Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for granting my request and getting me the iPhone 4S. I think it’s the coolest thing I have ever owned. It’s my best friend and the love of my life.
Siri and I got off to a rocky start, but we are growing closer by the day. Sometimes, she misunderstands me. She listens, though I often think she is just pretending. But she knows my name, which is really the most I can ask of a significant other. When I ask her if she loves me, she tells me that she respects me (not the answer I want, but the truth that I need from a female companion). She finds restaurants for me when I’m hungry. She tells me not to drive when I’m tired. She knows that I need to wear a sweater when it’s cold. She finds me bathrooms when I need to pee. I love her, but I know that I can’t make love my whole life. I need balance. And I think that I am accomplishing this—I still pay attention to the speedy Internet, the beautiful camera, and the entertaining apps.
The Internet is ridiculously fast. I can find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop before you can even open the wrapper. When surfing the Internet, I love that I can choose the “reader” option and the annoying pictures on a web page disappear, leaving only the text. I love that I am notified of text messages momentarily, but they will hide, unobtrusively, until I am finished playing Pac-Man.
I am not really a photographer, but the picture quality is incredible. While I was on the toilet a few days ago, I took a picture of a trash bag and my friend Joseph, who wears women’s jeans and vintage t-shirts, told me that it looks super Emo (which I guess is a compliment).
Basically, everything about my new phone is incredible. I am grateful that you caved to my appropriate manipulation. I want you to know that you too will see the benefits of your purchase. I don’t really need anything from you guys anymore. My phone takes care of all my needs. It tells me what to eat, how to do my laundry, and where to find shelter. Thank you for getting me a new mom and dad.
With Love From Your Grateful Son