By Ben Spielberg
- RSS Reader – I currently subscribe to almost 30 blogs using Google Reader and I like to stay on top of all my feeds. However, during work, these feeds tend to get bogged down with the latest trends, memes, and outbreaks. The solution? Research. By doing “research,” you can make sure to stay on top of the latest news while holding up the façade of an ambitious investigation.
- Facebook – It’s quite natural (and arguably necessary) to stalk that weird kid from high school or e-poke your best friend’s girlfriend. With the invention of Facebook, rates of stalking and poking have skyrocketed (citation needed). But what if you want to check out how many comments you have on your profile picture during work? The solution: Outreach. Disguise yourself as a master of public relations, claiming outreach can make you sound sophisticated, dignified, and proactive. Warning: While Facebookis maybe acceptable, Farmville will result in an immediate termination.
- Stage an interview – After working on the computer for countless (EDIT by Big Brother: not countless at all—fill out your time sheet) hours each day, we tend to crave face-to-face contact. The only logical step to take is to set up the dusty old flip cam and coerce fellow employees into spilling their numerous stories. What do you call it? Human Relations. After all, not even your boss will question you once they walk into a closet and catch you talking into a recording camera mid-sentence. Right?
- Lately, I have concluded that if one has yet to Google their own name, they have no soul. Therefore, if my arithmetic is correct, that means that the more one will Google their name, they will have more of a soul. It’s a positive correlation. Personally, finding benspielberg.com forced me to enter a catharsis of which I am still working my way out of. The only logical name for this madness? Analytics. It’s perfect because nobody knows what that means anyway.
- Write a blog about it—works every time. Title? Content Creation.