How To Survive the Apocalypse
December 21st is fast approaching. Here’s a list of 5 things you’ll definitely want to have and 5 things you can probably don’t need when the world ends.
5 Things you need.
- Nudie Mags: With no Internet, this long-dead medium of adult entertainment will suddenly skyrocket in value.
- Camel: They are surprising tasty and full of delicious calories. If the thought of sauteed camel grosses you out, they can also be used for efficient transportation. As an added bonus, their deadly and accurate spitting ability makes them excellent guard animals.
- Facial Hair: In a world without laws, you can’t look weak. A nice mane of facial hair can make a person look more intimidating (this also applies to women). Who would you try to mug first, Conan O’Brien, or Joaquin Pheonix?
- Rollerblades: Like mopeds, blades are fun until your friends see you on them. In the post apocalypse, your friends will be dead, so you can finally be a free spirit.
- Hair care products: The apocalypse is no excuse to stop looking good. Your “dream somebody” could still be one of the survivors, and there won’t be much competition.
5 Things you DON’T need.
- Fishing pole: Eating fish has always had the added risk of mercury poisoning but in a post apocalyptic world you can add radiation poisoning to the list of fishy dangers.
- Gold: In a world governed by violence and ruled by tribes of nomadic thugs, canned food will be more valuable than this decorative yellow metal. Have you tried eating gold? It’s hard on the dental work.
- Ke$ha: After the world ends everyone will be sad and depressed. People will need soothing music like Michael Bolton or The Jackson 5
4. Instagram: If you still feel the need to post “cute” self-portraits after a comet hits the earth, you won’t last too long in a world where only the strong survive and you must kill or be killed.
5. Cat dusting slippers: After the apocalypse, cats will be more valuable as a food source. Dust will be the least of your problems.